I got this earlier today from the as yet unidentified Art promotor:
Dear Dee
sorry to have to inform you and your readers that for various Logistical reasons the planned Ned Kelly Art Exhibition has had to be cancelled. There is a possibility that it will go ahead next year sometime, and if that does happen I will certainly let you and your readers know in plenty of time
Once again, Apologies
“Kelly Art”
This Art Exhibition got me thinking about Kelly Art, and in my explorations, came across a Ned Kelly Limerick Competition HERE
This was the Winning Entry:
There once was a man called Ned Kelly
Put your hand up if you are a rellie
Cos it seems that the truth
Will come down to a tooth
And, struth, you could end up on telly!
The Limericks were so funny they got me laughing, which made me think the Kelly World needs a good laugh right now. So I am announcing the Kelly Legend Poetry Competition
No topic is out of bounds.
The Winner will get a Double Koala Stamp and be announced later this month.
Send em in folks!
PS I’ll be back in Australia at the end of the week, just in time for the Vaults great Unveiling ( which I think is going to be of the Photo we have already shown you here, so it will be bit of an anticlimax) so might have to start writing proper Posts again.
There was a young robber called Ned
Who wanted blood money they said.
He dobbed Harry Power
And now every hour
He shivers with fright in his bed.
Twelve feet above the floor (Ned Kelly)
Ned Kelly wore a cabbage tree hat
To hide his rotten heart
He put the hat strap under his nose
And did a massive
Chorus:
Twelve feet above the floor, boys
Twelve feet above the floor
Give the bastard plenty of rope
Twelve feet above the floor
He was brave when he had a gun
And waved it round about
Bravado oozed from every crack
Of the stupid mindless lout
Chorus:
Twelve feet above the floor, boys
Twelve feet above the floor
Give the bastard plenty of rope
Twelve feet above the floor
Thank god they caught the murdering swine
Before he killed some more
And sent him to the fatal drop
Twelve feet above the floor
Chorus:
Twelve feet above the floor, boys
Twelve feet above the floor
Give the bastard plenty of rope
Twelve feet above the floor
ABC Behind The News http://www.abc.net.au/btn/story/s2262225.htm
“I think Ned Kelly is radical. I learned about him in years 2 and 3” – Bianca.
“I think that the story on Ned Kelly and his gang was really cool and that Ned Kelly rocks.” – Liam.
“wow now that we watched this clip we know way more about Ned Kelly (we are doing activites on it!). It has taught everyone so much and it has been great fun!” – S & J.
Ned Kelly was never like me,
He stole from the poor now I see,
Don’t lend him my name
He’s a figure of shame
I’d hang him myself from a tree.
@ElijahUpjohn evening all #MelbourneGaol
There once was a poet called Joe,
Who liked to write songs in the snow
He loved to sing
As he stole dead men’s rings
And wore them from then on for show.
Ned Kelly was a Gentleman,
At least that’s what they say;
He picked his nose with toothpicks,
And he smelled the roses gay.
He wandered fearless, free and bold,
Across the rolling hills,
And plundered banks across the land,
And shot the traps for thrills.
Two hundred horses then he stole,
And maybe eighty more.
Pity then that most of them
Were horses of the poor.
A farmer had draft horses,
So he could plough his land.
But Kelly didn’t give a hoot
When money was to hand.
He took the farmer’s horses all,
Across to News South Wales.
He sold them near Jerilderie
And other border sales.
He’d rob another farm and then
He’d head on back down south.
Who cares if farmers’ lives were wrecked
By thieving drunken louts.
He stuck up ordinary folk
While he was on the run.
Like Edward Doyle, Neil Christian,
And others with his gun.
It doesn’t have the drama
Of the banks and of the armour,
But that was what he mostly did,
He robbed the local farmer.
I don’t know why you love him so,
The sympathiser crew.
But probably it’s just because
He isn’t robbing you.
Ned Kelly was a Zero
Ned Kelly was a zero and despite what some do say
The story of his cruel heart is known at last today
As greedy as Ned Kelly is a well-known Aussie quote
The leader of the Kelly gang most wrongly stays of note
The Kelly gang were common thieves who often broke the law
You hear they robbed the squatters but they mostly robbed the poor
Ned Kelly and his brother Dan were brothers there in crime
And larrikins Joe Byrne and Hart they met while doing time
The most contemptible Australian in Australia's history
At last his trial and hanging gave his victims some release
Though better people far than them are long gone and forgotten
The legend of the Kelly gang smells on with all that’s rotten
The gang were far more savage then than now they’re said to be
They’d like to peg informers to an ant-hill, bellies opened if you please
They’d boil their guts and pour the hot fat down their throats for fun
They’d cast foes out unburied like their Stringybark practise run
Ned Kelly was a zero and 'tis said that he died white
His face was like a sheet, he nearly ** himself with fright
And whatever way you see him, on one thing most agree
That overrated loser should be scrapped from history
Ned Kelly and the Black Snake
I wonder who the bugger was
That lagged on Harry Power?
I heard it might have been Young Ned
That’s with us this past hour.
I heard from Sergeant Babbington
That our Young Ned’s a snake,
The sort of phony gentleman
Who’d lag upon his mates.
At first I thought he’d made it up,
I always trusted Ned.
But then I got to thinking it
Was others, too, that said.
His good old uncle Jacky Lloyd
Five hundred pounds he gained,
For helping take in Harry Power;
For that he can’t be blamed.
He pissed it up against the wall,
T’was gone within the year.
Now Harry’s doing years of hard,
While Jacky Lloyd is clear.
Ned put old Harry in, for sure,
That double-dealing kid.
We all look after number one,
The same as Harry did.
I always remember Ned Kelly
He wore woollen socks that were smelly.
He said “In the gaol,
There was only a pail,
They didn’t even give us a telly”.
There once was a young man named Ned
A hero, so everyone said
But he hid behind women
And Joe cursed at the 'blimmin
Dumb armour he wore on his head
If Neds scheme to blow up the train
And cause dozens of cops to be slain..
..had succeeded as planned
His name would be banned
as he was obviously totally insane.
Ned Kelly was an Outlaw.
Who lived in the North East.
He had a small gang, this doesn't rhyme
And I don't give a shit.
James Wallace referred to Joe Byrne as "Poet". What doggerel would he have written here?
Ballad of the Kelly Gang
The Kelly Gang were thick as thieves
As most thieves often are
They practised endless banditry
It didn’t get them far
And when they really needed cash
They couldn’t raise the bail
They had to borrow fifty quid
To keep Ned’s mum from gaol
They really were a stupid lot
And if not for the armour
They’d never be remembered now
Just crooks who stole from farmers
Boxing Ned at the Star and Garter
Ned Kelly was crossing the bar room floor
When a Wild man jumped in first
Now hold back, Ned, the Wild man cried
I’ve got a bigger thirst
Ned Kelly looked the Wild man up
And looked the Wild man down
And said, you think that you’re so good
I’ll go you twenty rounds
The Wild man laughed and raised his glass
And said I’ll see you Ned
Get changed into your boxing strides
And hop into my bed
The lads all laughed as they knew Ned
Was GLBTI
He liked to roll around the hay
While looking at the sky
Ned’s face went pink as he raised a blush
He said I’ll see you there
The publican took bets all round
And brought his scoring chair
He made a ring right there out back
And spread it with a rug
They covered themselves with olive oil
And gave a starting hug
The bell went then the boys went round
And eyed each other off
The Wild man winked at Ned who grinned
And took his trousers off
“Do not grab like Lonigan”
Called out the referee
“No fear of that” the boys cried back
“We’re here for fun you see”
They rubbed each other gently down
And got each other fired
No fear was there of Heenan’s hug
With love they were inspired
The watching lads all cheered and stripped
And joined them in the ring
And on that warm and sunny day
All had a happy ending
@ElijahUpjohn big night in tomorrow #MelbourneGaol
Now don’t you go threaten our teachers
For we know much better than you
In our coffee shops
They are always bad cops
And bushrangers hearts are all true
Our collegial friend Mr Mason
His departure you will not hasten
So think what you like
But we’ll go on strike
If you criticise Kelly or Mason
I need a quick word, Mr Mason
About what you’re teaching young Jason
Stop promoting bushrangers
Or you’ll be a stranger
I’ll find you another location
Well done, A-plus for you Jason
You’ve really done well in your lesson
I think you’re a star
And you will go far
A gold star from me, Mr Mason
Today they taught us at school
Ned Kelly was ever so cool
It was so sad
The police were all bad
And that’s what they taught us at school
Glenrowan (unfinished)
Ned Kelly came like Frankenstein,
A-lurching through the mist,
According to old Annie Jones,
The boys were mighty pissed.
I was standing watching there,
I thought it was a monster.
I started then to write it down,
To sell it to a songster.
I wrote it on a dunny wall,
But where I’ve quite forgotten.
Maybe I’ll never finish now,
My memory’s that rotten.
There once was a bad man called Ned,
Whose dad was a fellow called Red.
He was so bad
That the people were glad
When they strung him up till he was dead.
Ned Kelly Was Born In A Ramshackle Hut
Ned Kelly was born in a ramshackle hut,
A grog house up Beveridge way
He grew up with duffers and bad men and thieves
And those were his lessons all day.
Ned Kelly would ride from the back-country hills,
He'd crawl around town like a sneak,
He'd steal all the poor farmers’ horses, and then
He’d deny everything to the beak.
At sixteen young Ned was a mean vicious lad,
He tried to ride down a hawker
But he was arrested, remanded, and then,
They put him in gaol as they oughter.
When he came out, he was bitter and hard,
Far worse than he ever had been,
As thick as a post, he never did learn
That it’s best to be honest and free.
He shot at Fitzpatrick then blamed the police
Who were looking for Dan on that day
They left their mother to deal with the shit
While they ran like cowards away.
He shot down the troopers who came on his track,
And laughed at the price on his head,
He well deserved to be shot on the spot,
With never a tear to be shed.
Down at Glenrowan they held up the pub,
They were trying to derail a train,
But thanks to the guts of a truly brave man,
The Kellys they waited in vain.
They put on their armour the four little curs,
Then hid behind prisoners in fright.
When Steele threatened after to blow Ned to hell,
He begged for his miserable life.
They took him to Melbourne, and nursed him to health,
The Judge said, 'You're guilty!' to Ned,
A rope from a rafter, the sun in the east,
And the swinish Ned Kelly was dead.
So listen now children whenever you hear
The Kellys were heroes and brave,
It’s only the lies that came out of his mouth
When he had a gun there to wave.
@ElijahUpjohn objectionable work was expeditiously performed without any sign of faltering #MelbourneGaol
Hour of Reckoning, 11 November 1880
Thirty thousand people signed petitions to save Ned;
The dreadful gallows loomed while the petitions they were read.
But just a flamin’ minute, some bright eyed person said,
Half of them are signed the same, the ones that I have read.
Has anybody bothered the petitions to compare?
And count the actual numbers that are said by them to care?
And how many of these people, were wanting to save Ned?
The abolition movement would save anyone it said.
Another massive fraud by the Kelly sympathisers,
Who pretend the armoured villain was a champ in other guises,
Who like to think that Kelly was then just misunderstood,
That he was not a psychopath, but somehow very good.
“I don’t care less for Sherritt, and the traps deserved to die”,
Cursed Kelly in his cell before they launched him to the sky,
An evil human savage with a cold and callous heart,
That did the world a favour when it with him did part.
And I'll be raising a glass (or 2!) tonight in celebration of this glorious day.
Ned Kelly was no hero
Ned Kelly had a tiny brain
He came from Avenel
He shot the troopers three in all
And now he rots in hell
Ned Kelly was no hero, no
He ambushed them by stealth
A coward with a gutless and
Perverted mental health
He never faced a real man
Without a loaded gun
A baby fed by family
When he was on the run
Bushranger Daze
I sit in pubs a-drinking, and a-talking up myself,
I’m a dinkum Aussie legend, not an empty-headed elf.
In my imagination I’m so fearless free and bold,
I wish I could have been the one that went and stole the gold.
I wish I had of lived back in them bushranger days,
I’d of met Ned in the park and I’d of wished him g’day,
‘Cause he never hurt a woman, he’s a friend to the poor,
Except for some with reason sympathisers ignore.
He stole selector’s horses and he sent their farms to rot,
If he didn’t like the neighbours he would freely take a shot.
His cousin bashed a woman down in Winton for a lark,
And when farm fences burned, it was Kelly lit the spark.
A prisoner-taking psycho with a penchant for lies,
Got his mates dressed up as girlies as a kind of disguise.
He thought armed rob on banks was OK, it is true,
But his conscience was as clear as the snow in Peru.
If he’d had himself a chopper back in them olden days,
He’d ashowed ’em what for, till they was singin’ his praise.
He went wild and robbed corpses and he don’t give a toss,
He got ‘em to beg, and then he showed ‘em who’s boss.
He got little Delaney down there by the gate,
He wasn’t fool enough to think Delaney a mate,
Waved a gun in his face, and threatened his life,
If he hadn’t kissed up Ned he’d be in all sort of strife.
It kinda makes me misty eyed to boast of old Ned,
And even though I make it up they never see red.
I get away with murder in the lies that I tell,
When I praise mighty Ned and say I think the boy’s swell.
@ElijahUpjohn he wasn’t much anyway #MelbourneGaol
The loftiest place is that seat of grace
for which all worldlings try:
But who would stand in hempen band
Upon a scaffold high,
And through a murderer's collar take
his last look at the sky?
Oscar Wilde 'The Ballad of Reading Gaol'
Love from Captain Jack – Oscar's a much better poet than I.
Executioner Upjohn had to be helped by the other warders because he was an incompetent convict fool. He was as gross as Ned!
Upjohn's first execution, but was not assisted by other warders; no source says that. Efficient, not incompetent:
Argus 12 Nov 1880, p. 6. “It was all over by five minutes past 10 o'clock, and was one of the most expeditious executions ever performed in the Melbourne gaol.”
Kilmore Free Press, 18 Nov 1880, p. 4 “This was his first execution, and his objectionable work was expeditiously performed without any sign of faltering or nervousness.”
Agree that the pair of them were as gross as each other.
The governor of the gaol later stated that at Kelly’s execution Upjohn "did little more than pull the bolt and had it not been that the warders helped him in a variety of ways, there would probably have been a scene on the scaffold". [The Kelly Gang Unmasked, p. 154 – a reference is given also]
@ElijahUpjohn Have to see if Castieau will let me out to see "The Genealogist" Sept 1993 for that reference. You could have given me the direct Castieau source there, Jimmy. For now a good team effort, let's say. Still did a better job than the guy who strung Burns up on the door at Benalla.
You are a very well read hangman Elijah!
I didn't like the story of how, travelling to a later execution, he defecated out the window of the train, soiling the steps. He was also fond, as you know, of molesting women and girls around Coburg.
Are you doing any flagellating these days?
P o o r o l d N e d
Your legend is dead.
*This is by far the shortest, pithiest, rhyming, award-winning entry!
@ElijahUpjohn Only self-flagellation. Sort of penance. Spoke to Castieau who confirmed that the quote in the Genealogy mag is correct, but don’t have time to search the prison correspondence records as physical access only, not online. But an eye witness from the Daily Telegraph, 12 November 1880, 3 (reprinted Kilmore Free Press, 18 November 1880, 4) reported that despite any fears Castieau may have had, ‘the whole proceedings were so quickly and effectively carried out that any scene was avoided’. There was nothing unusual in Kelly being escorted out of the condemned cell by the warders, standard procedure, to walk about six feet to the noose as pictured in the Australasian Sketcher. All went downhill after that.
So far I have only found that exact Castieau quote in two places online. One is from an article about Upjohn from the The Age of April 12, 1989 and the other is from a family history group quoting from "The Old Melbourne Gaol – A history on CD-ROM." Neither gives the original source of the quote. Perhaps the Genealogist article will have the proper sourcing if someone can access it.